The Comprehensive List of Infertility Jokes

I’m not going to claim that any of these jokes are mine. I stole them from here, here, here and here. Thanks to those websites for putting these lists together. The fact is that infertility isn’t funny, and it will never be funny. But, for all of us having to deal with this shit, we have to make the best out of it, which is where these jokes from come. So, enjoy, take your mind off of things for a minute, and hopefully have a laugh.

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ivf-checklist
Personal favorite of mine

Thanks for the infertility advice! I feel much better now that I know God's will for me to be depressed, broke, and physically screwed up. I think I'll 'just adopt!'

When you say everything happens for a reason, don't be surprised when I slap you in the face. It happened for a reason.

Oh, it took you two whole months to get pregnant? Boo frickity hoo.

I apologize for the shit I said to you while I was on clomid.

IVF: Taking the fun out of procreation since 1978.

Is it a full moon? No, she's on fertility drugs.

On my honor I will try to not slap the next pregnant woman I see complaining about how much it sucks to be pregnant.

Thanks for telling me to just have sex if I want to get pregnant. I've spent thousands on fertility treatments and never thought of that.

I'm on clomid. What's your bullshit excuse?

Yes, honey. Of course I think giving you two-inch needle injections into your butt muscle every night is sexy.

Nope. Still not pregnant but thanks for pointing out how fat I've gotten.

I hear he's IVF. Like way wanted.

Ryan Gosling: Hey girl, let's increase the fertility rate.

Thanks-for-the-infertility-advice


 

  1. How does an RE like his eggs?
    Over 20mm!
  2. Why did the RE cross the road?
    Because there was an affluent, infertile woman in her 30s on the other side.
  3. Why does it take 50 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
    Because they won’t ask for directions either!
  4. Two sperm were swimming through a woman’s body.
    The first said, “Whew. I’m getting tired. Just how far is it to the uterus?”
    “The uterus?” the second laughed. “We’re not even past the esophagus yet!”
  5. You know you are trying to get pregnant when…Someone asks you today’s date and you reply “Day 21” . .
  6. Why do gypsies have trouble getting pregnant?
    They have crystal balls.
  7. How many infertility patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    Screw in a lightbulb! Hmmm . . . do you think it might help? . . .

Getting the Mechanics

There was an RE who decided he no longer wanted to practice. Instead he wanted to restore old cars. To prepare himself for this career change, he signed up for a mechanics course in engine repair. He studied really hard, and the day arrived for the final exam. The task was to find out what was wrong with the engine and repair it. The RE took a little longer than the rest of the class, but he got the job done. A couple of days later he went to see how he did. Up on the wall, beside his name he saw a mark of 150%. He was really puzzled so he went to the instructor. “How can this be?” he asked. The instructor replied, “Well, I gave you 50 points for figuring out the problem, and 50 points more for solving the problem. BUT I had to give you an extra 50 points for doing all the work through the exhaust pipe!”

BBT Lessons

Wake up at 5 a.m. and swing your arm at your bedside table until you find your basal thermometer. Stick the right end of it in your mouth, in the exact same position everyday, and try to stay awake for five minutes. As you begin to wake up, realize how badly you need to urinate and try to resist the urge without squirming too much. Mentally tell yourself, “Just relax, it’ll work out” — chances are you’ll hear that a few times today. Try to read the thermometer in the dark while your spouse continues to sleep. When that fails, take it into the bathroom with you. Sit on the toilet and position yourself to either pee in a cup or on a stick. If you’re really good, try to squirt a little out first. Give yourself extra points if you manage to do this routine without overfilling your cup or splashing a test window. While you wait, check your genitals for mucus. If you’re lucky enough to find some, play with it! Look at it, feel it, stretch it. When you’re done, pick up your scientific-looking form and chart your findings. Compute the data, and mutter to yourself, “You’re probably just not trying hard enough” — it won’t be the last time you hear that today. If the calculations add up, go back into your bedroom and convince, cajole, and beg your spouse to have intercourse — and all the while remember not “to let the spontaneity go out of your sex life.” After you’re done, prop your buttocks up so it’s higher than the rest of your body and lay there for a half hour. Figure out exactly how you’re going to stay in that position for so long and still have time to shower, dress and have breakfast before you have to leave the house at 6:15. Say aloud, “If you can’t even manage to do this, how will you ever manage parenthood?” — another comment you’ll get at some point during the day. When you finally make it out the door, remind yourself that, “This is the easy part” — you’ll hear that later as well. Give yourself a pat on the back for not only completing 5 a.m. chemistry class, but for also getting yourself ready for pop quizzes in interpersonal communication!

The IVF Plunge!

The latest…. The greatest…. Come ride the spectacular new roller coaster, now open at an IVF clinic near you! Take…

THE IVF PLUNGE!

Thrills! Chills! Stabs! Jabs! Laughs! Screams!

What makes THE IVF PLUNGE so unique is that it is actually several rides in one! But not all riders will experience all the rides – automatic track switchers randomly select cars to go on any particular sequence. In addition, selection of a clinic also results in different protocols, behavior, treatment, cost and support. So THE IVF PLUNGE is never the same ride twice!

For more details, read on….

Some riders will experience thrills on the INSURANCE ride! Swinging you around, upside down and inside out, a brass ring of coverage will be tantalizingly close, only to be snatched away at the last minute! For those riders who manage to snatch the brass ring, a FREE RIDE on THE IVF PLUNGE is available! (provided they meet certain restrictions.) Riders who don’t grab the brass ring get a consolation prize – a ride on the CASH attraction! Whether maxing out the credit cards, taking a second loan on the house, or sponging off of future grandparents, this is a ride that you will remember for the rest of your life as you struggle to pay off the debt!!

A new attraction for PCO sufferers has recently been added – called DAY ONE. This ride starts with the well-known classic DAY ONE – a big draw in the INFERTILITY group of attractions – and ratchets the anticipation UP!!! Will YOU meet the cut-off date??? Then of course there is the Day 3 FSH – do YOUR ovaries have what it takes?

The first part of the main ride is familiar to those who’ve been to the INFERTILITY attractions before – OPKs! But the intensity is GREATER – the highs are higher and the lows are lower and the kits are even HARDER to read!! But it all pays off as you move into….

MEDICATIONS! This is the most intense part of THE IVF PLUNGE, described by visitors as the ride from hell!! Whether your shots are sub-cutaneous or intramuscular, you won’t want to miss the artificial menopause brought on by lupron, and don’t forget THE HORRORMONES! You think you’ve done injectibles before? You think you’re a pro? THINK AGAIN!! With HIGHER levels of injectibles, and DAILY monitoring, this is where the nightmare becomes reality! Then who can forget the terror of HYPERSTIMULATION, one of those random side trips! Another random side trip, POOR RESPONSE, has a chance of ending your ride early!!! Just another sense of anticipation! Can YOU make it through this part of the ride?

If so, it’s on to RETRIEVAL AND TRANSFER. This ride is unique in that NO TWO PEOPLE EXPERIENCE THE SAME THING!! Some will sail through with arms raised, careening into the next sequence. Others will be shunted off due to poor egg or sperm quality, incomplete fertilization, or fragmented embryos! Your heart will be in your mouth as you await the phone call telling you how many embryos made it! And will you be sick with anticipation, or is that a reaction to the anesthesia???

Then the TWO WEEKS FROM HELL. Words cannot describe this phenomenon! With daily intramuscular shots of progesterone in oil, this is probably the most painful part of the ride! The highs and lows are even more intense, as you are surrounded by well-meaning but offensive friends and relatives saying “Well?” and otherwise telling you what you SHOULD have done. NOTHING you have experienced in the two week wait of prior cycles will prepare you for this!! You will laugh, cry, scream – all at the same time! You will feel suspended in time as you wait for…..

THE TEST. The most anticipated part of the ride!!! Some random number (depending on clinic stats) will PASS!! Those lucky riders will go on to the PREGNANCY ride, a swirling maelstrom of emotions, changes, and risks! Those who receive a negative beta-HCG are not left out though. They will descend a huge drop of what will seem like ten miles in about 10 seconds!! The misery and tears will be just the beginning, as pregnant women and women with babies and adorable toddlers will be EVERYWHERE! But never fear, because for only thousands of dollars you can once again –

Take THE IVF PLUNGE!!!

80-year-old Sperm Sample

An 80-year-old couple went to the doctor to find out if it was too late for them to have kids. The doctor told them that it would be best if the husband gave a sperm sample, as he could then check his count and see if it was possible for him to father a child.

He gave them a jar and sent them into a side room to get a sample. After much groaning and grunting and even a little screaming the couple came and gave the jar back to the doctor. On checking the doctor found it to be empty and asked the couple to explain.

Well, said the old man, I tried with my left hand, then I tried with my right hand, then with both hands. Then my wife tried with her right hand, then with her left hand, then with both hands. Then my wife tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, but no matter how we tried we couldnt get the lid off the jar.

The 12 Days of Christmas (for the infertile)

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me
a sperm sample to spin and clean

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me
2 post-IUI foot rubs
and a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me
3 pink pills
2 post-IUI foot rubs
and a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
4 new thermometers
3 pink pills
2 post-IUI foot rubs
and a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
5 mood swings
4 new thermometers
3 pink pills
2 post-IUI foot rubs
and a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
6 positive stories
5 mood swings
4 new thermometers
3 pink pills
2 post-IUI foot rubs
and a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me
7 lectures about timing
6 positive stories
5 mood swings
4 new thermometers
3 pink pills
2 post-IUI foot rubs
and a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
8 reasons for not quitting
7 lectures about timing
6 positive stories
5 mood swings
4 new thermometers
3 pink pills
2 post-IUI foot rubs
and a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
9 new immune tests
8 reasons for not quitting
7 lectures about timing
6 positive stories
5 mood swings
4 new thermometers
3 pink pills
2 post-IUI foot rubs
and a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
10 excuses for dreaming
9 new immune tests
8 reasons for not quitting
7 lectures about timing
6 positive stories
5 mood swings
4 new thermometers
3 pink pills
2 post-IUI foot rubs
and a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me
11 mild cramps
10 excuses for dreaming
9 new immune tests
8 reasons for not quitting
7 lectures about timing
6 positive stories
5 mood swings
4 new thermometers
3 pink pills
2 post-IUI foot rubs
and a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
12 HPTs
11 mild cramps
10 excuses for dreaming
9 new immune tests
8 reasons for not quitting
7 lectures about timing
6 positive stories
5 mood swings
4 new thermometers
3 pink pills
2 post-IUI foot rubs
and a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned

Labor pains

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. The husband was a little worried about this, but wanted to help out so he agreed.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, telling the husband that even 10 percent was probably more pain than he had experienced ever before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine. The doctor looked a little bewildered and adjusted the machine to give the father 20 percent of the pain. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and heart rate and all seemed perfect. They decided to transfer 50 percent of the pain to the father.

The husband continued doing well and started making wisecracks about how women complain so much about labor and it really wasn’t a big deal. In fact, he was willing to take all the pain! The doctor turned the switch to 100 percent. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and she and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on their doorstep!

The Gift of Life

A nun and a priest were travelling across the desert when their camel keeled over dead. They prayed a lot, but after several days they gave up hope of being rescued. Finally the priest said to the nun, “You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there’s always been one thing I’ve been curious about — what a woman looks like naked. Would you take off your clothes?” The nun thought about it for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, “Well, Father, now that I think about it, I’ve never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?” With a little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, “Father! What is that thing hanging between your legs?” The priest patiently answered, “That, Sister, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life.” “Well, for Lord’s sake, Father, stick it in the damn camel and let’s get out of here!”

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