BFN – Full Speed Ahead

So, from the title you can guess what Tuesday’s beta test results were. A big old whomp-whomp of “not this month”. Normally I try and add a little humor to my writing, but it’s just not going to happen today.

Now, I can tell you that we sort of expected this result. There were no pregnancy symptoms that people always talk about. Also, the day before the test my wife has spotting. Spotting sometimes means implantation, but for us this month is meant period time.

I have to say, despite me trying my best to be hopeful, but not overly so, the results still hit me hard. After months of just trying to get to this stage, I really felt in my heart that it was going to work. Once the news became official, it felt as if the air had left the room, it made my entire day feel longer. Even now, more than 24 hours later, it makes my heart feel heavy. Last night we decided to add a healthy dose of flourless chocolate cake and wine to our dinner routine. It at least made me feel a little better.

I want to take a second to praise my wife. She took the news better than me. She’s just as optimistic as she was a week ago and she has already done everything she needs to do to be ready for next month’s cycle. After she texted me the news (we were both at work), I asked if she was OK (even my boss asked if I needed to leave to be with her), but she was more than fine. I know she’s sad, but her attitude right now shows how strong, positive, and patient she has been through this entire process. It shouldn’t be amazing to me at this point, because that’s the woman I was lucky enough to marry, but it is.

So what’s next? Well, we’re on to the next month and hopefully another IUI. But, because this was her first ovulation in about two years, we don’t know how this will affect how she reacts to the drugs. We’re going with the same formula as last month: Femara followed by Follistim and Menapur and Ovidril. Do we know it will result in two more amazing eggs? No. Can the RE promise that this month will result in a BFP? Nope. Can the RE tell us why this last month didn’t work out? Not even close.

If everything works perfectly, we’ll be back in TWW hell in less than two weeks. Until then, it’s time to get some sushi, some more wine, and stock up on pregnancy tests. As I’ve said, we’re determined to get there, it’s going to happen, it’s only a matter of when.