I was planning on writing a happy update this morning about this morning’s ultrasound. I was hoping to write about how I love making my wife laugh while she strips off her pants and waits for the tech. I had been doing research on IUIs because I wanted this post to be about us moving forward to our first IUI experience. I was hoping to give a happy update to my (now 20, yay) blog followers and the random people who somehow make their way to this website every few days.
But – Duck Follicles.
*** Yes, I’m using duck because I’m going to attempt to keep swearing to a minimum on this blog. But, I think most people will understand what I’m getting at.***
At this checkup appointment this morning we learned that the wife’s follicles shrunk. We went from about 7 follicles at or above 11mm to maybe one or two above 10mm. As the tech was reading off numbers and doing the ultrasound I was, as usual, sitting in a chair behind my wife looking at the screen. Even though I could not see my wife’s face I could sense that the tears were beginning to flow. We had so much hope going into this month; it started with a real period, we had many healthy follicles at the first checkup, but today’s news just killed us both.
The thing I hate the most (well, second most compared to things not working the way we want) is that there is absolutely nothing I can do to help my wife, to make these follicles grow. There is no gear I can help turn, or paper I can help write, or dinner I can cook or pill I can take. All I can do is hug my wife, remind her that I love her, remind her that we’re never going to give up, and help wipe away her tears before we leave the doctor’s office and head to work. I just want to be able to do something, anything, to make this process faster or easier for her. I can be as comforting as possible, but nothing is going to make her immediately feel better, nothing is going to make her body do what it should be doing in the first place, nothing can transfer her anxiety, pain, heartbreak and anger to me instead so that I can take those loads off her shoulders.
We had so much hope going into this month; it started with a real period, we had many healthy follicles at the first checkup, and then we went into “coasting”. I’m not a doctor, so I can’t directly say that the coasting is what lead to the follicles going down, but it’s the only thing that makes sense to me. We’re waiting for the doctor to call us back with a plan of attack going forward. It might be more drugs, it might be doing the estrogen pills and starting again in early January, or it could be something else entirely different.
I am still determined that we will get to where we want to go. But this second of this day in this moment, I’m pissed. So, yes, duck follicles, and duck mother nature and duck whatever else is putting my wife and I through this.